The Endless Mind Game

 It has been crazy here. I've had a lot too deal with, not physically but mentally. This is where it gets tough for me.

In April of 2019 I retired from work due to anxiety, depression and PTSD. I've always battled the first two, and fought well to control it. But in September of 2014 a car overtook my truck up over the crest of a hill and over double unbroken lines.

That on itself is annoying more then threatening, but a car carrying two occupants was coming the other way. It was that moment that sealed my fate as well. Watching two innocent men, fathers and husbands scream to their deaths has haunted me ever since.

In 2017 I was diagnosed with Severe Anxiety and Depressive Disorder along with PTSD. It has been a long battle to get some form of life, and is still a hard war to fight even to this day.

Motivation is squashed, desire buried and the will to live is non existent. I am on the road to recovery, well stabilisation now. I see a psychiatrist regularly and I will ne seeing a new psychologist soon for a new line of treatment for me, EMDR, or Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprogramming. Essentially how it was explained to me is that the part of the brain that controls the flight or fight responses has never turned off. This hasn't allowed the part of the brain that processes dramas and the such to process my trauma.

It's not a new treatment, it's been around for a while. But it is new to me and we'll see how it goes.

At the moment I take a daily cocktail of medication to keep me somewhat sane, or as sane as I can be. The EMDR hopefully will weave it's magic and get me off, or at least reduce the amount of medication I'm on.

Riding makes a difference to the headspace I become imprisoned in. But it is always easy. The Anxiety when high cause a dizziness, similar to that of vertigo of which I'm no stranger to. Once.on the bike and riding this dizziness disappears. But somedays it's difficult to feel safe balance wise. I know if I push through things will improve dramatically. But keeping balance on the bike until then is sometimes extremely scary. It's an oxymoron really, stuffed if I do, and stuffed if I don't.

Of course the time spent fighting cancer last year did not help the situation. Between lockdowns and recovery it become increasingly difficult to fight back against the drowning dark cloud the encapsulated me. 

I suppose that's what it feels like to me anyway. Imagine being in a fog so thick that you can't see before your face as you stumble around. At the same time knowing that there is a cliff face near you, worrying if your next step could be your last, heart racing, mind thumping and every nerve in your body feels like it's on fire. So then you lay down to protect yourself. The fog turns to a blinding darkness, the air around you is somehow vaccumed out, not only your lungs, but the atmosphere around you.

Then the body gives in to the mind's deception. You collapse, unable to move, so fearful. You start to weep internally and the thoughts of gloom become stronger and stronger. Something so minuscule becomes a giant that you have no way of knowing how you'll over come it.

You find safety in your surroundings. Its a comfort thing. You isolate yourself, not just from friends, but from loved ones as well. Then, when you think it's all over and you get up to leave, the safety of isolation turns to a prison, one of continual torment, attacking your self worth and esteem. You give in and allow the shackles to keep you chained in that thought. It becomes easier to give in than it is to fight.

It's not an easy road, I know I'm not the only one...but you feel so alone. Your self confidence shattered becomes shards of glass that cut and tear at your soul as you crawl around in torment. You forget who you are, you character and personality sucked out of you. You've been imprisoned for so long you have no idea of what freedom is. It is easy to open a door of a bird cage, but it is not always easy to get the bird out.

Hopefully this new treatment will give me confidence enough to step outside that cage door. Hopefully it will give me the desire to find me again. It was journey that began in 2019 when I started pedalling south. It never happened the way I wanted. The prison drew me back in.

But I want to fight, I want out, I want to win. I know I can do it. I may never be the man I used to be. But maybe, just maybe I may even come out of this stronger and better than before.